Winters

Everything was still. There was a mist of mystery in the air, making my vision of reason faint. This mist was seductive in its own way. It sent a surge through my body, making me quiver with a strange feeling. And when I felt the surge move through my body, I knew the time had come. The time had come for the best part of the year, winters.

Winters are beautiful in their own way. Everything is peacefully pleasing. All the agility of nature acquires a sudden calmness. The commotion of the fierce rain comes to a standstill. The blooming flowers acquire a state of sleep; as if being tired of beaming for the whole year and now getting the chance to be at peace, finally. It is only the magic of winters which make even the unpleasant things seem beautiful. I now crave for the sunshine which tormented me until a few junctures ago. Even the mankind stands weak to the glories of winters. Those who are in the constant quest for something, suddenly seek their household fire; such is the power of winters.

This is the time of the year when I can cover every inch of my skin, like my soul, and not be questioned by anyone. I can stay huddled up in the blanket, with a Murakami book and a cup of coffee, just how I like it. Oh how wonderful it would be, being overpowered by the feeling of love of Watanabe. Well certainly it would be wonderful if I had you by my side through all of it. But then you are one of those who would rather build futile snow castles rather than building some everlasting castles of memories, so I do not expect that from you, like all the things of course.

As the nature goes to sleep, everything comes to a standstill, I rejoice. Because finally it is my time of the year.

The Lost Battle

After passing all those sleepless nights,shedding those 3 AM tears,and  playing the slideshow of our memories infinite times in my head, I had moved on. I had slowly come to terms with the truth that you are not mine to kiss good night and that you could never be. But let me just make it very clear to you, it was never easy. Every time I thought that I had finally conquered my emotional self, even the slightest reminiscence of you would toss me back to the beginning. And I had to go through all of it, all over again.

But you see,  I am a sedulous person. Every time  I was thrown back, I started again with more determination. Not because I did not love you. Oh I loved you with everything I had and as cliche as it might sound, I will keep loving you till my very last breath. But because you deserve every happiness of this world, which as unfortunate as destiny can make it, an emotionally wrecked person like me could never give to you.That this why I had begun this battle against myself. Even if required a part of me, or all of me.

But I was finally able to emerge victorious in a battle that I had waged against myself. I was merrily waving the flag of reason on the highest summit of my heart, until I saw you again.

The charming spark of your eyes, your hair which were always messed up, and the erratic expression on your face which generated an ecstasy all over my body, came in front of my eyes. I had suddenly lost the battle which was all won. Why did destiny always have unexpected things in store for me? Why always me?

I pondered and I still am pondering over this question as I am caught in a whirlwind of emotions, trying to find a way out..

Memories

"Memories warm you up from the inside

    But they also tear you apart"

Everything came into view all at once. It was like every reminiscence of you, of us, suddenly took a definite form and came right in front of me. It indeed filled my heart with a plethora of emotions.

Felictous; for having spent those days with you. Days when even the darkest of days would seem beatific. Days which were so sunny always that I almost forgot the value of radiance. Days which felt like an everlasting spring with everything so beautiful that I could not fathom life without this beauty.

Desolate;for only being able to look at these memories. I wanted to touch them, feel them, maybe even relive them, but alas I could only see them. See them dancing to the tunes of the echoes of the past and do nothing.

Nothing but being numb, numb with this sudden hurricane of memories.

But tell me one thing, did they also come out in front of you? Did they also whirl in front of you, while you were overwhelmed by their sudden appearance?
Or as always, was it only me?

Foreshore

Waiting for you was one of the most painful things I had ever been through. I chose to sit on the sands with the waves of time drenching me with the echoes of the past, waiting for you. But little did I know that your footsteps were long washed away from this foreshore. You were probably on the foreshore of a divergent cosmos, building castles of memories with someone else.

But why did I keep waiting? I could easily move on to the multitudinous foreshores waiting for the imprints of my footsteps. "This is not the only foreshore in this universe", said someone. But how could I ever explain to this person that my totality was you. The first glimmer of sunshine on the dawn was your smile;the vigorous waves that tossed me upside down your rage. The hours spent talking to you blazed the island of my solitude.

Alas, I knew that all of it was lost now. Lost in a summer song that you can only listen to from the playlist of your memories, but can never recreate them. But still I kept waiting..

                        "I kept waiting for you,

                 as in an empty station when the trains are parked off"

The healed scar

You do not know. Or maybe you never knew. You never knew what it felt like when the dancing sunshine in the naked sky, when the crystal moon glimmering on a starless night, when the butterfly resting on the broken glass of my window, all of these reminded me of you. It was like the entire cosmos was solely created to drag me to the thought of your existence. But was it ever the same way for you?

Each morning I whispered your name like that prayer that stays on your tongue forever. Every time my lips tasted the flavour of your name, it was like salvation. And when you gave utterance to my otherwise average name, it felt like a poetry. That one poetry which you want to hear forever. I thanked the divinity with all my heart for being able to hear this poetry.

But what are you now? You are like a gusty wind on the shut window of my love. Howling for me to let you in. Let you in so that you could revive the scars that have healed now. But maybe I would open the window, open the window to let the wind of your love to rustle again through my hair. Maybe once again.

Window To The Broken Soul

...Dumbeldore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape,and his eyes were full of tears. 

       " After all this time?"

                      "Always," said Snape.

Tears came streaming down her face as she read Page 688. She was disturbed not only because of the demise of The Half Blood Prince but also because of his love for Lilly which was beyond the realm of reason. She knew what it felt like to love someone with everything and not to be loved back. 

The mere mention of his name made her tingy and ecstatic. She could not fathom what it would be like to not see his face every morning. The restless expression on his face made her heart soar. She was afraid of losing him even when he did not even belong to her. He hurt her deeply, being unaware even of her existence. She was broken, a little more everyday.

Yet, the light of her love kept flickering, all in the name of an undying love. All in the hope that one day, there will be a window to her broken soul.

Loops Of Infinity

loops of infinity

There was a scintillating charm in his deep brown eyes. I always try to escape weltschermz, but when I saw him it hit it me in the most beautiful way. It is a great irony how anyone could be happy in a state of weltschermz, but that day I was more than happy. I was ecstatic. The sense of benevolence on his face left me absolutely satiated.I could not let my eyes move off his face, even if I wanted to. It was like I was trapped in the loops of infinity. The more I tried getting out of the idiosyncrasies of his eyes, the more I was lost in it.Then I surrendered. I let myself rusticate in the deep mysteries of eyes. It was the only mystery I did not wish to solve, because I wanted to be the one qui vive in those mysteries.

And now, as the aroma of coffee on this chilly winter morning draws me back to reality, I wonder if all of it was only in my fantasies.